Stages of Grief

 

I’m back! Two weeks in a row! Can’t really say that’s a Guinness Record or anything, but writing feels good and it feels right. Helps me stay sane in this crazy time of my life.

Let’s talk about the 5 stages of grief, of which I am going through, sporadically, and often. And I honestly think we, as humans, go through these stages all the time. We lose things a lot. Whether its that really awesome lipstick you left in the club bathroom, the job you had for 15 years, the neighbors you really liked, the boyfriend or wife that you truly loved… People go through loss all the time. Sometimes it seems like the littlest things shouldn’t bother us so much (yeah, I’ve been upset over lost lipstick), but there’s a reason we feel these things and have to see them through.

My favorite phase was the anger phase because it allowed me to be an artist and gave me some weird un-holy energy to listen to Pat Benatar and draw weird things on adobe illustrator.  I was up until 2 in the morning watching movies and drinking wine and writing poems and painting and snap chatting everyone I know (sorry). (Not sorry). But as soon as that was over I launched straight back in to sadness.

The little fur ball we call Haley ran out of the house as soon as I got home. I was feeling sick after coming down from my Angry High and did not feel like chasing the cat all over Fairmount after biking 6 miles and dealing with loud children. I really just wanted to cry into a pillow and have a random Ukranian man massage my shoulders. But I had to find this damn cat. I walked up and down the block, made friends with the Verizon guy, chased her around cars, and then watched her slink back into this really nice, ritzy backyard. Ugh. I knocked on the resident’s door and explained that my cat had gotten in to her yard and she let me through the back door.

“I hope she’s not catching my fish.” This woman had a freaking pond in her backyard the size of my bedroom with coy that probably cost more than my laptop. Like my gosh woman. I hope my cat didn’t catch your fish either, I’m already broke as it is.

When it got dark, I came to the realization that she may be gone forever. And the stages of grief started all over again. She did end up coming back the next day, but man I was upset. I’ve been upset about everything to be fair, but I realized I don’t totally hate this cat that jumps onto the counter while I’m cooking, flops on my sketch book when I’m drawing, gets paint all over her nose and paws when I’m painting, sits on my hands when I’m typing, jumps in the sink and puts her tail in my face when I’m brushing my teeth….Yeah, she’s a pain in the ass. But she is cute, and I missed her. A lot.

Sometimes you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone. Though that’s not always the case, as the previous situation of loss was something I never wanted to give up, but I have a new appreciation for my diva feline friend. And the little things that make life good.

Getting Back to Basics

It’s been a while. I’ve been trying to write more lately, which started with a 30 day challenge with my boyfriend in September.  Which was rudely interrupted by a breakup. So here I am, just me and the laptop and all of my readers. Hopefully there are some of you still here even after all this time.

SO what does one do after an adult break up? Well, I don’t know. I’m definitely not an adult. I’ve been floating through this crap for months now, waiting for the day that I hop out of it and stand on the glorious mountain of I Have My Shit Together. Anyone ever been there?

But instead of being really cynical and horrible like I have been for the past forever, I’m deciding to suck it up and start being nice to myself. I’m going to look at things as accomplishments even when they didn’t work out.

I did it, I moved to a new city and have been living here for over a year! Yeah, I’ve somehow been able to pay for rent and the Creative Cloud and Spotify premium and my obsession with chips! If that isn’t 20 Somethings Success I don’t know what is.

359 days of my life were spent under the employment of the Corporate Wasteland known as Starbucks.  9204548 hours of labor were spent on Frappuccinos for children visiting the Betsy Ross house. Betsy Ross herself came in and asked for a free decaf iced coffee (which I had to make on our special brewer since we didn’t have on tap-UGHHH). We drank tequila in the back room on New Years Eve. I spent a whole night singing karaoke with a coworker and his boyfriend. I had panic attacks from mean customers and made really amazing friends with regulars and coworkers.

A really incredible person in my life helped me realize that I’m worth more than that, so I finally got the nerve up to quit and pursue graphic design, which I’ve always wanted to do but never felt confident in doing. He taught me a lot about the industry and how to thrive and be creative, and for that I am forever grateful, despite the fact that right now if I saw this person I would punch him in the penis and walk away sobbing. It’s okay. I’ll get over it.

Because now I have a graphic design internship that is fantastic. I never actually majored in or really studied graphic design! I taught myself pretty much everything I know, so like I’m gonna give myself props for that. It’s so much fun it doesn’t even feel like work.

My other new job is teaching art to kids in North Philly. I mean NORTH Philly, gosh. It’s like the North Pole of Philadelphia, no joke. It’s a different culture. Mostly latino/Spanish speaking, some black, a few white. Really hilarious kids. The first couple of days I thought I was gonna kick a kid in the butt or something, like I was so overwhelmed. I literally don’t know anything about kids. I thought this was literally just an art teaching job like in Vacation Bible School or something, I didn’t realize I was going to be partaking in Childcare with kids who run around like maniacs and hit and swear and scare the hell out of me. But they’re also really good. That’s the weird thing. They like color and tell me they love me and share and then two seconds later they’ve managed to set a mouse trap in the back of the class room and knock over all the books in the room (NOT MAKING THIS UP). I don’t understand them.

This one kid looked at me and knew that I was fresh meat. Like a cat knowing that you don’t like cats and starts rubbing all over you. This kid started running around the room screaming and hitting and wouldn’t listen to me when I yelled at him. He wasn’t scared of me at all. He just wanted to show that I wasn’t in control. So I pretty much hated this kid, like I couldn’t make eye contact with him or he’d know that I wanted him to go away. So I kept talking to one of my coworkers who is like the coolest old black lady (literally talks my ears off every day of my life but is so soo nice to me). She taught me the basics of discipline: taking away fun things, threatening write ups and talking to parents, counting to three. Tried that today. Got the kids to listen to me.

Muhahhhhahah I’m a teacher now!!!

Cried my eyes out every day of this week. Life is hard. I was home in New York this weekend and really, seriously considered moving home. What am I supposed to do with myself? Shouldn’t I either be a writer in Europe or a married woman in Philadelphia with a perfect graphic design job? Shouldn’t I be all these things right now?

It’s a common theme in my life that I am too hard on myself. But I also like to give up on myself. So I’m going to find a middle ground and grow from it. I’ve had a hard year, but I’ve also accomplished a lot. I need to take credit for that. I hope you take credit for your accomplishments as well. ❤